Running isn't Bowling (a self-confidence comparison)
"Running is amazing. The best medicine. Go running. Run really really fast. Run until everything hurts. Run until water feels like heaven." Matt Haig
I can link running to mental health all day long but this morning I was specifically thinking about self confidence.
One of the issues I've always had with sporting pursuits is the feeling that people are looking at me. I'm an introvert, I've always been shy and have never liked being centre of attention. So that notion of putting myself out there to be seen just seemed ridiculous. Whether I'm afraid of making a fool of myself, afraid of what people will think, afraid of letting myself down; all these things and more I suppose. In the back of my mind I know no one is looking at me and thinking anything negative and even if they did it would be their problem not mine.
This is how much I hate being watched and failing... I was in France last year on holiday with my partner, my fifteen year old twins and his then seven and eleven year old daughters. With time to kill my partner suggested bowling. I wasn't feeling it. Bowling feeds into every aspect of my awkwardness; I feel like I'm on a stage doing something I'm really bad at while everyone points and laughs. Not just being watched by my nearest and dearest but there are other people too who might be watching for a split second. The whole world might as well crowd around while I try to ease the correct size and weight ball onto my fingers (it's rife with issues already; it could get stuck, it could be too heavy, I could drop it right there on the floor, someone might go for the same ball at the same time). They could watch as I self-consciously walk to the line (Does my bum look big? Am I mincing? Why can't I walk normally? What if I drop the ball now? Should I at least attempt that thing everyone else does with the little skip that makes them look so much more like they know what they're doing?) and then as I reach the line and go to bowl that ball (I haven't done that pro move so there's no force behind it, it's going to crawl down the alley, it might even get stuck and someone will have to rescue it, it might get stuck on my fingers and drop like a bag of spuds or just be stuck forever until all manner of emergency services have to be called), then watch as it trundles down to the pins (I don't want to watch, I should watch, should I watch? Do I make a sound of exasperation? Everyone's looking). I'm bad at bowling, absolutely useless without barriers. Losing is fine, I'm okay with losing, it means the game is over and I'm comfortable with being the loser. I know we can't all be good at everything.
So, in France... I wasn't feeling it. Everyone else was so what could I say? At this point 'I'm not feeling it' would have been ideal but I didn't want to be the spoilsport. I was already feeling anxious though. Lost in translation, only the two youngest got barriers, it wasn't an option for the 37 year old. Now I felt three billion times worse. I can't bowl in a straight line. My hand/eye coordination is appalling. Every single one of them was going to head for the gutter, I knew it absolutely without a shadow of a doubt and my heart was trampolining from my feet to my head and back again repeatedly, I think it was actually making a 'boing' noise and each hit to the crown of my head hurt. First attempt - gutter. I laughed it off and tried to force myself to be the joke but I wasn't feeling it. My heart was now hovering in my throat making it hard to breath and swallow. I can't remember how many attempts I made but when my partner hugged me in consolation he said I was shaking and then I had to walk away because I couldn't hide my emotions. Embarrassed, ashamed, in front of my family, unable to control my emotions, angry and filled with an all consuming self-hatred because my feelings were ridiculous, it was a game, I was letting everyone down and looked like a child having a tantrum. I spent the rest of the time battling a minor panic attack, crying outside, then sat inside trying to calm myself while they bowled and wondered what the fuck was going on.
My point is that sport is a public thing, putting yourself out there for scrutiny, which goes against my personality. It makes sense that those with low self-confidence might avoid it. And again, I know that no one cares and if they do it's their problem but in my worse moments I can literally have a panic attack over a family game of bowls.
When I started running I thought everyone was looking at me but I got over it. I was too proud of myself to care. I personally never look at any runner and think 'look at them, what a mess', I always inwardly applaud them, or wonder how they go so fast or, when I'm injured, I just feel jealous. I've never had a negative comment. Plus I'm too busy doing my own thing to notice or care.
Races are another matter. People are watching you! But if they're watching it's to support you and to see you succeed, not ridicule you. I can block them out or sometimes attempt a smile and an awkward high five with a small child.
So I suppose, bowling is bad for my mental health but running isn't. Running has increased my confidence massively; I feel proud, I feel accomplished, I started doing something I never imagined I could and I have bling to prove that I can. My accomplishments may be small in comparison to those of other people but they're mine and my journey is my own. I don't have to actively compete at it and I'm in my own little bubble. Never be afraid to get out there and run, never let low self-confidence be the reason that holds you back. As they say: "no matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone sitting on the couch." Be proud of your journey :)
I can link running to mental health all day long but this morning I was specifically thinking about self confidence.
One of the issues I've always had with sporting pursuits is the feeling that people are looking at me. I'm an introvert, I've always been shy and have never liked being centre of attention. So that notion of putting myself out there to be seen just seemed ridiculous. Whether I'm afraid of making a fool of myself, afraid of what people will think, afraid of letting myself down; all these things and more I suppose. In the back of my mind I know no one is looking at me and thinking anything negative and even if they did it would be their problem not mine.
This is how much I hate being watched and failing... I was in France last year on holiday with my partner, my fifteen year old twins and his then seven and eleven year old daughters. With time to kill my partner suggested bowling. I wasn't feeling it. Bowling feeds into every aspect of my awkwardness; I feel like I'm on a stage doing something I'm really bad at while everyone points and laughs. Not just being watched by my nearest and dearest but there are other people too who might be watching for a split second. The whole world might as well crowd around while I try to ease the correct size and weight ball onto my fingers (it's rife with issues already; it could get stuck, it could be too heavy, I could drop it right there on the floor, someone might go for the same ball at the same time). They could watch as I self-consciously walk to the line (Does my bum look big? Am I mincing? Why can't I walk normally? What if I drop the ball now? Should I at least attempt that thing everyone else does with the little skip that makes them look so much more like they know what they're doing?) and then as I reach the line and go to bowl that ball (I haven't done that pro move so there's no force behind it, it's going to crawl down the alley, it might even get stuck and someone will have to rescue it, it might get stuck on my fingers and drop like a bag of spuds or just be stuck forever until all manner of emergency services have to be called), then watch as it trundles down to the pins (I don't want to watch, I should watch, should I watch? Do I make a sound of exasperation? Everyone's looking). I'm bad at bowling, absolutely useless without barriers. Losing is fine, I'm okay with losing, it means the game is over and I'm comfortable with being the loser. I know we can't all be good at everything.
So, in France... I wasn't feeling it. Everyone else was so what could I say? At this point 'I'm not feeling it' would have been ideal but I didn't want to be the spoilsport. I was already feeling anxious though. Lost in translation, only the two youngest got barriers, it wasn't an option for the 37 year old. Now I felt three billion times worse. I can't bowl in a straight line. My hand/eye coordination is appalling. Every single one of them was going to head for the gutter, I knew it absolutely without a shadow of a doubt and my heart was trampolining from my feet to my head and back again repeatedly, I think it was actually making a 'boing' noise and each hit to the crown of my head hurt. First attempt - gutter. I laughed it off and tried to force myself to be the joke but I wasn't feeling it. My heart was now hovering in my throat making it hard to breath and swallow. I can't remember how many attempts I made but when my partner hugged me in consolation he said I was shaking and then I had to walk away because I couldn't hide my emotions. Embarrassed, ashamed, in front of my family, unable to control my emotions, angry and filled with an all consuming self-hatred because my feelings were ridiculous, it was a game, I was letting everyone down and looked like a child having a tantrum. I spent the rest of the time battling a minor panic attack, crying outside, then sat inside trying to calm myself while they bowled and wondered what the fuck was going on.
My point is that sport is a public thing, putting yourself out there for scrutiny, which goes against my personality. It makes sense that those with low self-confidence might avoid it. And again, I know that no one cares and if they do it's their problem but in my worse moments I can literally have a panic attack over a family game of bowls.
When I started running I thought everyone was looking at me but I got over it. I was too proud of myself to care. I personally never look at any runner and think 'look at them, what a mess', I always inwardly applaud them, or wonder how they go so fast or, when I'm injured, I just feel jealous. I've never had a negative comment. Plus I'm too busy doing my own thing to notice or care.
Races are another matter. People are watching you! But if they're watching it's to support you and to see you succeed, not ridicule you. I can block them out or sometimes attempt a smile and an awkward high five with a small child.
So I suppose, bowling is bad for my mental health but running isn't. Running has increased my confidence massively; I feel proud, I feel accomplished, I started doing something I never imagined I could and I have bling to prove that I can. My accomplishments may be small in comparison to those of other people but they're mine and my journey is my own. I don't have to actively compete at it and I'm in my own little bubble. Never be afraid to get out there and run, never let low self-confidence be the reason that holds you back. As they say: "no matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone sitting on the couch." Be proud of your journey :)
Well done you for typing this and putting it out there. Now you've competed in two races you can't stop or put yourself down.
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